What Is Shadow Work?
Have you ever caught yourself carrying around emotions or experiences from your past that you thought you had long buried? The kind of stuff that lingers in the background, shaping how you react to things today, even though you’d rather pretend it doesn’t?
Yeah, I’ve been there.
Growing up, I went through a lot of trauma—more than I cared to admit for a long time. But I did what so many of us do. I buried it, pushed it down, and tried to move forward. By the time I was a wife and mom, I thought I’d moved past all of it. But I hadn’t. Not even close.
I didn’t realize it at first, but I was carrying those wounds into every part of my life—especially as a mother. The way I reacted to my kids when I was overwhelmed, the way my patience ran out far too quickly… it all stemmed from unresolved hurt.
It was like looking in the mirror and seeing a reflection of parts of myself I’d never dealt with.
Without meaning to, I was passing my pain down to my children. I never wanted that for them. But there it was—right in front of me—and I couldn’t ignore it any longer. That’s when shadow work came into my life. And honestly? It changed everything.
So, What Is Shadow Work?
Shadow work was first introduced by Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, who believed that we all have a “shadow” side—those parts of ourselves we push away because they’re uncomfortable or painful to face. It’s the mess we like to hide from ourselves. The anger, the shame, the fear. The parts we try to forget because they don’t fit into the picture of who we think we should be.
But the truth is, those parts don’t disappear just because we’re not looking at them. In fact, they have a way of controlling us from the shadows, influencing how we behave, how we react, and even how we see the world. Shadow work is about bringing those hidden parts of yourself into the light.
It’s not always pretty, but it’s necessary if you want to heal.
For me, shadow work meant facing the childhood trauma I had tucked away for years. And not just childhood stuff—there were experiences as an adult, too, that I never really processed. I carried all of it into my marriage and into motherhood. I loved my husband more than words could express—loved him beyond empty, beyond exhausted.
But I couldn’t bring myself to love me.
That was the hardest part.
If you’re curious whether shadow work might be “dark” or “evil,” I’ve actually written a post that dives into that exact question: Is Shadow Work Evil?. Spoiler: it’s not about anything sinister. It’s about healing the parts of you that need your attention, your care, and your love.
Reaching the Breaking Point
It all came to a head for me when I realized that I wasn’t just hurting myself anymore. I was hurting my kids. I was hurting my marriage. And even though I loved them fiercely, I couldn’t seem to control the parts of me that were still broken. That realization shattered me.
With one simple conversation with my oldest daughter about dodgeball. This is what she said. “I’m so mad at myself! Every time I get the ball, I’m so excited, but then someone asks me for it, and my dumb self just gives it to them!”
“Why don’t you keep it for yourself and throw it?” I asked.
“Because they ask me.” She replied, still steaming at the thought of it.
It was there right in that moment that I knew I had passed down my over the top codependency, I was wrecked, right fricken there.
I had been giving everything I had—every drop of energy—to the people I loved, but there was nothing left for me. I was pouring from an empty cup, and eventually, you hit a point where you just… can’t.
I looked at her and told her, “No! We’re not doing that anymore.”
Shadow work became my way to start putting myself back together. But let me tell you, it wasn’t a pretty process, but I started to see my daughter’s secondhand codependency dropping. As I started healing, so did she.
Shadow work isn’t this smooth, easy practice where you journal for a few days and suddenly everything is better. No, it’s messy. It’s emotional. It’s confronting things you’ve buried so deeply, you almost forgot they were there. Almost.
If you’re ready to explore your own hidden layers, I’ve put together 12 Shadow Work Prompts for Letting Go that helped me work through the emotions I’d been carrying for far too long. It’s a great way to start asking yourself the tough questions.
How Shadow Work Helped Me Heal
When I finally committed to shadow work, it was like peeling back layers I didn’t even know I had. I started with small steps. Journaling, reflecting on why certain things triggered me so much, and trying to sit with emotions instead of running from them.
I realized that I wasn’t just reacting to my kids as a stressed mom—I was reacting as that little girl who was still hurt, still scared, still carrying wounds from the past. And that’s what shadow work does. It shows you how your past is still living inside you, shaping your present without you even knowing.
The hardest part for me was seeing how much of my trauma was influencing my parenting. The impatience, the anger, the secondhand codependency—it wasn’t coming from everywhere. It was coming from wounds I hadn’t healed. And I was passing that down to my kids.
I didn’t want to.
I wanted to break the cycle. To be the kind of mother who didn’t let her past define her future.
In doing this deep work, I realized how much being an empath had shaped my journey, too. I was constantly absorbing the emotions of everyone around me—my kids, my husband, even strangers sometimes. It wasn’t until I started working on myself that I saw just how much I needed to practice better self-care.
If you’re an empath like me, you might find Empath Self-Care Tips: Strategies for Thriving really helpful.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, and I had been running on empty for too long.
How Tarot Helped Along the Way
One of the most powerful tools I used during shadow work was tarot. I’ve been reading tarot for a while, but when I started using it specifically for shadow work, it took me to a whole new level of understanding. The cards gave me clarity when I didn’t have words for what I was feeling.
They helped me see things from a different perspective—things I didn’t even know were there.
If you’re interested in using tarot for your own shadow work, I’ve created a Shadow Work Tarot Spread that’s perfect for getting to the root of those hidden emotions. It’s a simple but deep spread that will help you dive into what’s been holding you back.
And if you want to see how the cards play out in a real reading, I’ve shared an Example Shadow Work Tarot Spread Reading that might give you some insights.
The Truth About Shadow Work
Shadow work has taught me that healing doesn’t mean you’re fixing something broken. You’re not broken. You’re human. And humans carry things—both beautiful and painful. But when you take the time to look at those painful parts of yourself, instead of pretending they don’t exist, you start to understand them.
You start to heal.
For me, shadow work helped me become a better mother, a better wife, and a better version of myself. I didn’t think that was possible for a long time.
I thought I’d always carry that weight around, always feel like I was just a little too broken to fully heal. But here I am, still working on it, still growing.
If you’re feeling weighed down by your past, by old wounds that keep showing up in your life, shadow work might be exactly what you need. It’s not easy, and it’s definitely not quick, but it’s real. It’s healing. And it can help you become the person you’ve always known you could be, underneath it all.
Final Thoughts
So, what is shadow work? It’s the process of facing the parts of yourself that you’ve buried, the parts that you’re scared to look at, and choosing to heal them. It’s not about perfection or becoming someone new.
It’s about learning to love all of who you are, even the parts that have been hidden in the dark for too long.
If you’re ready to start, know that you don’t have to do it all at once. Start small. Start gentle. And be kind to yourself in the process. Healing is messy, but it’s worth it.
Love Nicole
